Open Mic Gigs

Gig 16: Spinnaker Tower Comedy (Portsmouth Harbour) Spoiler: I didn’t even get to the gig!

It’s 4pm and I’m in a cab. As it’s the weekend the tubes are not playing ball resulting in mostly panic. Planned engineer works is Londoner kryptonite!

Kew Gardens’ tube is offline resulting in getting a taxi to Richmond, from where I’m going to Clapham, only to get completely confused.

The board said the next train to Portsmouth Harbour is at 6.30pm. That’s impossible, there are at least 3 trains that can get me to Portsmouth Harbour, the website said so! I need to find a ticket guy, the fountain of all knowledge when it comes to train times and spotting if someone’s ticket is out of date.

Dan: “Hey how do I get to Portsmouth Harbour, please?”

Ticket Man: “Oh The south trains are faster than our trains, you should take them.”

Dan: “Ummm ok, so which train and which platform?”

Ticket man: “What?”

Dan: “What?”

Train Man: “Did you say Portsmouth”

Dan: “Yes, I know there are direct trains, and indirect trains, so which train do I need to get there asap, where is the first train going? As the indirect will not say Portmouth Harbour on, will it?

Train Man : “Oh the south trains are faster than our trains, you should take them…”

Dan: “What the hell is a south train? It’s the same as a normal train right? Or is it some sort of magical train? Where is the train, or south train, leaving from, where is it going?

Ticket man: “Platform 9 is the fastest train”

Dan: “Right and where is it going?”

Ticket man: “Where is it you want to go again?

Dan: “Christ, seriously… right, forget it, I’ll go to platform 9, thanks”

What ticket man/village idiot failed to mention, well apart from the fact that the actual train I needed was on platform 13, was that it was also cancelled!

I couldn’t believe it! I now have no way of getting to the gig. I am also informed that the next train might be cancelled too, they just didn’t know yet…

At this point all I’m thinking is that I must contact the venue and tell them I am going to not be there!

Sadly my only way of contact was… Facebook. I had just taken FB off my phone as it seem to eat up all the data on the monthly tariff, even though it was supposed to be unlimited, resulting in me having to go home asap to access FB via the laptop.

There’s nothing worse than letting a gig know 60 mins before the event, that you are unable to turn up. It is so embarrassing mainly as whatever you say the reason for this cancellation is, sounds like a complete lie!

Very embarrassing very frustrating.

This is starting to feel like I am hitting my head against a brick wall. I keep trying to book gigs and things keep getting in the way… this is quite a low point for me today and I can’t help thinking perhaps I have taken on too much with these gigs, my own monthly event and the Edinburgh Fringe stuff.

It’s supposed to be fun remember, it’s supposed to be exciting. All it is at the moment is frustrating, draining and very very un‐fun…

Dan Tambling is a stand-up comedian, sketch comedy writer, actor and producer of ‘12 sketches in a London house’. This is his blog.

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